Satu Arah

Bulan-bulan berlalu tanpa aksara
Kembang tak lagi senapas-sewarna
Kusangka ku t'lah mati rasa;
terlampau lelah meramu asa
yang lambat-laun 'kan pupus jua
Namun begitu sanubari terbasuh lara
saat tawamu tak lagi menggema
dalam sebuah cengkerama,
kurasa cukuplah sudah pertanda
bahwa padamu aku masih sama

29 November 2018

A Blurry Sense of Identity

Ada bagian dari diriku yang senantiasa memikirkan pandangan orang lain padaku. Ya, 'bagian', karena aku tidak ingin menjadikannya identitasku. Tyler Joseph menamai bagian serupa dalam dirinya sebagai Blurryface. Ia bahkan mengabadikannya dalam karya-karyanya sebagaimana yang ia senandungkan dalam Stressed Out;

My name's Blurryface, and I care what you think.

Blurryface is a symbolism of the parts of ourselves that we disapprove, the cruel voices inside our heads; our doubts, our insecurities, our sorrow. They're not a representation of us. They're not our identity. They're something that sticks with us, and we've got to work hard to be able to make peace with it.

That part of me - my Blurryface - has been sticking with me for years now. He possesses me. He became one with me. He got me into thinking that those negative thoughts and traits are who I am, that he is my identity. He made me afraid of losing myself if I get rid of him. And unfortunately, up 'til now, I'm still unsure of how to differentiate which parts of myself are genuinely mine and which are his.

Upgraded, for the Worst

Growing apart.

He used to be everything to me; an ideal partner to talk about anything and everything that matters in life, and was basically the only person who could quite deal with the chaos in my mind. I never thought that four months without catching up with each other would drastically reduce the compatibility between someone and the person they once loved.

The worst part is that I still fall for the older version of him; the one that had seen and connected with my soul, conducted heart-to-heart conversations instead of boring, generic topics with an addition of lame jokes and forced laughters that happened between us lately. I never thought that it would feel this empty to miss a version of someone that no longer exists.

A Personal Take on Music: Of Life... and Death

Some people might be confused why am I so obsessed with music (when I can't even play any goddamn instrument). Bagiku, musik adalah caraku merayakan hidup - salah satunya, dengan menyematkan memori mengenai orang lain dalam lagu-lagu tertentu. Dengan begitu, saat orang tersebut sudah tiada, I can always listen to that one particular song and feel their presence back in my heart and my mind.

But sometimes, it also works like a boomerang. Kerap kali aku tidak berani mendengar suatu musik atau bahkan suatu band lagi, karena entah kenapa bagiku jadi sangat sulit untuk mengikhlaskan kepergian sang 'pemilik' lagu itu dalam benakku. It was as if they were still alive in between the lyrics and the instruments, their spirits carrying on with me in every step I take.

Sampai hari ini, aku belum berani kembali mendengar Avenged Sevenfold. Kenapa? Karena dalam band tersebut tersemat kenanganku dengan almarhumah kakak panitia dari sebuah lomba Scrabble yang aku ikuti di Pekanbaru, dan saat itu menjadi teman mengobrolku mengenai A7x yang sedang aku gilai. Masih teringat jelas di pikiranku saat aku SKSD bicara dengannya karena ia memutar lagu A7x di speaker, dimana akhirnya ia merekomendasikan lagu A7x yang berjudul 4.00AM untuk kudengarkan.

It's four in the morning, you got one more chance to die. 

Like beautiful stories, the greatest chapters flew right by. 

There comes a day when we will find out for ourselves, 

that once we had the words to say, there's no one left to tell 

I know why you're running away...

Same goes to Lana del Rey, the favorite singer of a late best friend of mine. He jokingly told me that he was confused of my preference in musical genre and wondered "lagu kau tu berat, nggak sakit telinga kau denger rock gitu?". He then suggested me to listen to Lana del Rey instead, whose song 'Love' was his favorite.

I really did listen to it at the time, but didn't look so close into the lyrics 'til he finally left us all behind;

You get ready, you get all dressed up 

to go nowhere in particular 

back to work or the coffeeshop 

doesn't matter, 'cause it's enough 

to be young, and in love...

It was both beautiful and heartbreaking to figure out how much he loved the concept of being young, and in the end, managed to stay forever young. Perhaps they weren't exaggerating when they made the saying "you are what you listen to". Not to point out how the other one's favorite song was about the choice you had to make in 4.00AM; to either run away from your problems and take your own life, or decide to stay 'til your time comes. I'm glad that, in her case, it turns out to be the latter.

As for me... well? I guess I'd love to be remembered everytime y'all listen to a TØP song. Still not sure which one specifically, though.

Ah, sudahlah, lebih baik aku bobo dulu saja. See you around, gengs.

It's almost 4:00AM, and I decide to keep on living.

In Memory of a Late Friend

Everyone you meet has something to teach you.

This one's for you, Dim.

I still remember the first time I saw you more than a year ago. I was alone in class and you peeped in, asking me if I knew where Navisa was. I, being the clueless girl who was too indulged in her daydream, only muttered a quiet "no". I then discovered that you were one of Ega's - my best buddy - best buddies. That was when I decided that you were worth to get to know about, and eventually, be good friends with.

I still remember the first - and also ironically the last - time we hanged out together. I just arrived at Pekanbaru for my first ever semester holiday, and being a not-so-sociable person, I never expected anyone to get excited about my presence back in hometown. I never expected that anyone would even bother to welcome me back, let alone immediately ask me for a meet-up right after I arrived.

But you did. You were somehow really glad that I was finally home, asking me to go out and eat at some random place near our houses. We then finally asked Ega to join, and there I was; finally realizing that I had friends who actually cared enough to meet me and listen to my stories as soon as I came back from a long, tiring adventure far away from home. And for that, Dim, I'd forever be grateful.

You somehow always had the way to make me feel good about myself. You congratulated me when I got into UGM, even though we were not very close back then. You repeatedly implied that you were proud of me at the time, and also months later when my campus 'crush' noticed me (it might sound irrelevant, but it meant a lot - really, it did). Dim, if only you knew how proud I am to ever encounter a soul as beautiful as yours.

I've always believed that there's no such thing as coincidence when it comes to crossing paths with other people at some point of our lives. I hope you know I'm sorry for all the times when I just brushed your advices off. Now that you're gone, I just realized that there are lots of things I should've done. I haven't even thanked you for all the things you'd done for me, for all the times you made me feel like I matter. But for now, I hope my endless prayers would be enough to becalm you till Hereafter comes.

Love to you, eternally. You might be physically absent from this world, but the beauty of your soul will be something I'll always hold close to my heart. Goodbye for now.

---

Dimas Surya Dinata
May 18, 1999 - April 16, 2018