Satu Arah

Bulan-bulan berlalu tanpa aksara
Kembang tak lagi senapas-sewarna
Kusangka ku t'lah mati rasa;
terlampau lelah meramu asa
yang lambat-laun 'kan pupus jua
Namun begitu sanubari terbasuh lara
saat tawamu tak lagi menggema
dalam sebuah cengkerama,
kurasa cukuplah sudah pertanda
bahwa padamu aku masih sama

29 November 2018

A Blurry Sense of Identity

Ada bagian dari diriku yang senantiasa memikirkan pandangan orang lain padaku. Ya, 'bagian', karena aku tidak ingin menjadikannya identitasku. Tyler Joseph menamai bagian serupa dalam dirinya sebagai Blurryface. Ia bahkan mengabadikannya dalam karya-karyanya sebagaimana yang ia senandungkan dalam Stressed Out;

My name's Blurryface, and I care what you think.

Blurryface is a symbolism of the parts of ourselves that we disapprove, the cruel voices inside our heads; our doubts, our insecurities, our sorrow. They're not a representation of us. They're not our identity. They're something that sticks with us, and we've got to work hard to be able to make peace with it.

That part of me - my Blurryface - has been sticking with me for years now. He possesses me. He became one with me. He got me into thinking that those negative thoughts and traits are who I am, that he is my identity. He made me afraid of losing myself if I get rid of him. And unfortunately, up 'til now, I'm still unsure of how to differentiate which parts of myself are genuinely mine and which are his.